Although I don’t apply it to myself very well, I’m actually pretty patient and empathetic with others when they fail, but the opposite is true when it’s a failure of effort.  I’m very impatient and very non-empathetic with those who accept mediocrity or failure because they just refuse to give something the effort it needs to be excellent!  Therefore, whether it’s in leading the church, coaching athletes, or even assigning things for my kids to do around the house, nothing aggravates me more than a person giving lip service to effort, that is, doing just enough work to check a box to say they “tried” but knowingly gave nowhere near the effort that was actually needed.

To no surprise then, 2 Samuel chapters 13, 14, and the first half of chapter 15, is one of the most aggravating sections in all the Bible for me.  The greatest king Israel ever had totally failed at something that ended up being massively consequential to himself, his family and Israel.  It had nothing to do with any lack of knowledge, ability or opportunity but rather his total lack of effort.  Time and time again David demonstrated what faith driven bravery looked like, that is, not arrogantly marching out to accomplish things based on an overinflated perception of his abilities but rather confidently marching into situations with the full assurance of God’s sovereignty and promises.  However, in chapter 13, when David found out that his first-born son Amnon, and presumed heir to the throne, raped one of David’s daughters (Tamar), David got angry about it and did nothing!

It’s not stated in the Bible, but it’s not far-fetched to imagine that along the way David could have been telling himself that he was trusting the Lord to handle everything despite the fact trusting the Lord means obeying the Law He gave Israel, a law that made it very clear what they were supposed to do!   There is no doubt that David, who was already angry and grieving over what happened to his daughter Tamar, is also horrified about doing what he was supposed to do next.  David was supposed to put Amnon on trial, but he also knew a trial would likely result in Amnon being executed.  So instead of doing the faithful, brave and no doubt excruciatingly painful right thing, David opted for the path of least resistance and did nothing.  He chose to give no effort to bring about justice for his daughter’s rape.

David literally went on with life as if nothing had happened; as if Tamar, one of his daughters, wasn’t living in a total hopeless situation because of an evil and horrific act done to her by one of her own brothers!  Tamar had not only been raped by her brother Amnon, but she was then condemned to live in complete destitution in her brother Absalom’s house. Meanwhile, Absalom, who was driven by greed and selfish ambition, used the rape of his sister Tamar to plot the assassination of the man he viewed to be in the way of him being the next King of Israel, and in so doing, attempted to set himself up as the alpha male among his brothers.  However, despite the sinful nature of Absalom’s motives, David’s refusal to do anything about Amnon is what ultimately created the opportunity for Absalom’s desires to become a reality.

Sadly however, David’s passivity continued after Absalom killed Amnon.  Chapter 13 ended this way,

37 But Absalom fled and went to Talmai the son of Ammihud, king of Geshur. And David mourned for his son day after day. 38 So Absalom fled and went to Geshur, and was there three years. 39 And the spirit of the king longed to go out to Absalom, because he was comforted about Amnon, since he was dead. (2 Samuel 13:37-39)

Absalom didn’t just randomly pick Geshur.   As with many royal marriages, they were often alliances between kingdoms.  In this case, Absalom’s mom was the daughter of the Syrian king of Geshur!  In 2 Samuel 3:3 we read,

3 and his second, Chileab, of Abigail the widow of Nabal of Carmel; and the third, Absalom the son of Maacah the daughter of Talmai king of Geshur; (2 Samuel 3:3)

 So, Absalom ran back to the ancestorial home of his mother to find protection with his grandfather, who was King of that city—a pretty safe bet for Absalom!

But this is where it all gets odd.  In life two things can be true about us at the same time.  Although David deeply grieved the death of Amnon (2 Samuel 13:37), he was nonetheless eventually comforted in the fact that justice had come about (2 Samuel 13:39) presumably without him having to be involved in it.  Likewise, although David was clearly angered by Absalom’s self-centered unethical execution of Amnon, he also grieved over Absalom placing himself in exile and longed to go to him … but he didn’t!

Once again, David opted for the path of least resistance and chose to do nothing!  He refused to make any effort to bring about justice in the rape of his daughter and then he refused to make any effort to bring about reconciliation with the son who did.  And this is where chapter 14 picks up, and sadly, it’s a continuation of David’s unwillingness, as emotionally brutal as it would have been, to do his job as the leader of his family and the king of Israel and make a serious effort to bring about Biblical restoration with Absalom.

 There are two clear testimonies of David’s total lack of effort to bring about biblical reconciliation in 2 Samuel 14.

Joab had to come up with a plan to get David to bring Absalom back to Jerusalem. (14:1-24)

1 Now Joab the son of Zeruiah knewthat the king's heart went out to Absalom.

 Note:  Joab knew David extremely well, and as such, knew that David truly longed to be restored with his son but that he was also determined not to do it.  The only effort David seemed willing to make in the context of reconciliation with Absalom was to resist it!   Therefore, like Nathan did in chapter 12, Joab knew he had to come up with a creative way to get David to realize what he was doing to himself, his family and potentially Israel as well.

 2 And Joab sent to Tekoa and brought from there a wise woman and said to her, "Pretend to be a mourner and put on mourning garments. Do not anoint yourself with oil, but behave like a woman who has been mourning many days for the dead. 3 Go to the king and speak thus to him." So Joab put the words in her mouth.

 Note:  This is all an act and verse three tells us that Joab told her exactly what to say to David in this act.  Like the prophetic parable that Nathan told David about a rich man who stole a poor man’s only lamb, nothing the woman from Tekoa is going to say to David is true, but in the same way, was intended to get David to come to grips with the truth about his situation, stop choosing the path of least resistance and ignoring the problem, and instead, make the effort to do the right thing!  Joab was trying to get David to forgive Absalom and repent, that is turn from standing in the way of reconciliation to instead do something that might actually enable it.

 4 When the woman of Tekoa came to the king, she fell on her face to the ground and paid homage and said, "Save me, O king." 5 And the king said to her, "What is your trouble?" She answered, "Alas, I am a widow; my husband is dead. 6 And your servant had two sons, and they quarreled with one another in the field. There was no one to separate them, and one struck the other and killed him. 7 And now the whole clan has risen against your servant, and they say, 'Give up the man who struck his brother, that we may put him to death for the life of his brother whom he killed.' And so they would destroy the heir also. Thus they would quench my coal that is left and leave to my husband neither name nor remnant on the face of the earth."

 In Israelite culture and in The Law itself there was nothing more important than the inheritance of land.So, this story was designed to resonate at a genuinely deep level with David.  It’s not at all a matter that David would roll his eyes at and consider ridiculous, but rather, would cut to a core value of every Israelite—land!

The high value of land ownership went all the way back to Abraham and the promise God made to him to give his descendants the land of Cannan and use it to form them into a mighty nation (Genesis 12:1-9; 15:1-20).As such there were strict laws within the Mosaic Covenant that ensured land would return to the family it was originally given, and they all understand it was given to them by God Himself.  For instance, every seven years was known as a sabbatical year and in it all debts were forgiven.  However, during the seventh sabbatical year (49 years), on the Day of Atonement, the 50^th year was proclaimed as the Year of Jubilee, and as such all lands went back to their family of origin (Leviticus 25).  Therefore, if you were loaning somebody money that loan would only be given to somebody you thought would pay you back before the seventh year and if you were purchasing land, before you agreed to a price, you would be sure to calculate how much profit could be made from it prior to the Year of Jubilee.

My point is, there were strict laws that ensured lands returned to the family that originally had it and as such, demonstrated the high value of land both as a vital source of income for a family but also the pride of being able to fully participate in their national heritage and identity as God’s chosen people. It is no surprise that David’s response is sincerely passionate!

8 Then the king said to the woman, "Go to your house, and I will give orders concerning you." 9 And the woman of Tekoa said to the king, "On me be the guilt, my lord the king, and on my father's house; let the king and his throne be guiltless." 10 The king said, "If anyone says anything to you, bring him to me, and he shall never touch you again." 11 Then she said, "Please let the king invoke the LORD your God, that the avenger of blood kill no more, and my son be not destroyed." He said, "As the LORD lives, not one hair of your son shall fall to the ground."

 First, David made it clear that if anybody threatened her, they would be executed and thus unable to ever threaten or harm her again!

Second, he guaranteed that no one would be allowed to enact vengeance on her son. Essentially, David judges the fictional fight between the two brothers to be both of their faults and thus no single one should bear the consequence of a blow that happened to kill the other.  In David’s eyes, both must have been part of escalating it (they were arguing), and thus both were in some way responsible for it getting to the point that somebody got punched hard enough to kill them.

But, in responding this way, David didn’t realize he had just theoretically opened himself up to be unable to declare Absalom’s actions as unforgivable.After all, Tamar is Absalom’s sister and as such has a moral obligation to protect her, and being David refused to make the effort to institute justice with Amnon, there must be some empathy shown towards Absalom for taking matters into his own hands.  Therefore, this happened next.

12 Then the woman said, "Please let your servant speak a word to my lord the king." He said, "Speak." 13 And the woman said, "Why then have you planned such a thing against the people of God? For in giving this decision the king convicts himself, inasmuch as the king does not bring his banished one home again. 14 We must all die; we are like water spilled on the ground, which cannot be gathered up again. But God will not take away life, and he devises means so that the banished one will not remain an outcast.

“‘Life is like water spilled on the ground. It cannot be gathered up again.’ Therefore David should waste no time restoring his son. In so doing David would be acting in a God-like way, for the Lord is constantly looking for ways to restore the wayward.”¹Smith, J. E. (1995). The Books of History (p. 361). College Press.

Without realizing it, this woman from Tekoa just uttered an incredible Gospel truth!Listen to what Paul said Christ did for those of us who were outcasts, that is, alienated from God!

21 And you, who once were alienated and hostile in mind, doing evil deeds, 22 he has now reconciled in his body of flesh by his death, in order to present you holy and blameless and above reproach before him, (Colossians 1:21-22)

 But this woman from Tekoa wasn’t done. She continued her drama by praising David for his help in her fictional circumstance because she apparently sensed that David wasn’t yet in agreement with what she was trying to ultimately accomplish on behalf of Joab, and thus, she wanted to try and put some sugar on the pill she just gave David.

 15 Now I have come to say this to my lord the king because the people have made me afraid, and your servant thought, 'I will speak to the king; it may be that the king will perform the request of his servant. 16 For the king will hear and deliver his servant from the hand of the man who would destroy me and my son together from the heritage of God.' 17 And your servant thought, 'The word of my lord the king will set me at rest,' for my lord the king is like the angel of God to discern good and evil. The LORD your God be with you!"

 Note:  However, her effort to try and distract David away from the rebuke she gave him didn’t work.  In confronting him about Absalom David knew exactly who sent this woman.   The Bible then states,

 18 Then the king answered the woman, "Do not hide from me anything I ask you." And the woman said, "Let my lord the king speak." 19 The king said, "Is the hand of Joab with you in all this?" The woman answered and said, "As surely as you live, my lord the king, one cannot turn to the right hand or to the left from anything that my lord the king has said. It was your servant Joab who commanded me; it was he who put all these words in the mouth of your servant. 20 In order to change the course of things your servant Joab did this. But my lord has wisdom like the wisdom of the angel of God to know all things that are on the earth."

This woman is understandably afraid of what might happen to her, so to no surprise, she stays in “kiss up” mode and applauds David’s wisdom for being able to figure out there was an ulterior motive to her story.In addition, she is clearly unwilling to die for Joab, so she made sure David fully understood this was all Joab’s doing!

So how is David going to respond? For two years he had refused to do the right thing and place Amnon on trial for raping his sister Tamar, and now three years after Absalom took justice into his own hands, ironically for his own benefit, David has yet to give him the opportunity to defend his actions, and, as such, be open to the fact that he himself is partially to blame in all of this.

21 Then the king said to Joab, "Behold now, I grant this; go, bring back the young man Absalom." 22 And Joab fell on his face to the ground and paid homage and blessed the king. And Joab said, "Today your servant knows that I have found favor in your sight, my lord the king, in that the king has granted the request of his servant."

Note:  Joab is ecstatic!  He knows David needed to bring Absalom home and make a real effort at reconciliation.  He knows David needed to hear Absalom out objectively and realize the injustice Absalom committed was only after David showed no effort to ensure justice himself, which of itself is an act of injustice!   So, in Joab’s mind, everything has worked out just as he planned it … but it didn’t.  The Bible says,

 23 So Joab arose and went to Geshur and brought Absalom to Jerusalem. 24 And the king said, "Let him dwell apart in his own house; he is not to come into my presence." So Absalom lived apart in his own house and did not come into the king's presence.

 David allowed Absalom to return to Jerusalem, but he still refused to make any effort to reconcile the relationship with him.He wouldn’t even let Absalom, one of his own sons, appear before him and explain his actions!  David won’t even give him a chance to reconcile so the only thing we can conclude is that David was simply unwilling to go through the emotional burden of facing everything, and, as such, David was unwilling to exert the needed effort to do the right thing.  He continues to choose the path of least resistance by choosing to do nothing.

This leads us to the second testimony of David’s total lack of effort to bring about biblical reconciliation.

 Absalom had to manipulate Joab into arranging an opportunity for him to present his case to his father David! 

 25 Now in all Israel there was no one so much to be praised for his handsome appearance as Absalom. From the sole of his foot to the crown of his head there was no blemish in him. 26 And when he cut the hair of his head (for at the end of every year he used to cut it; when it was heavy on him, he cut it), he weighed the hair of his head, two hundred shekels by the king's weight. 27 There were born to Absalom three sons, and one daughter whose name was Tamar. She was a beautiful woman. 28 So Absalom lived two full years in Jerusalem, without coming into the king's presence. 29 Then Absalom sent for Joab to send him to the king, but Joab would not come to him. And he sent a second time, but Joab would not come.

 Now remember, despite the fact Absalom’s still not the eldest son (Chileab is now the elder son (2 Samuel 3:3)), he still thinks he should be the next king.

 In addition, Absalom is a man who was deeply concerned about how he was viewed by others, so that fact that he was considered to be the most handsome man in all of Israel likely only assured him even more of us worthiness to be the next king.Adding to the royal perception created by his seemingly perfect physical appearance, he also had a perfect looking family.  He had a wife, three sons and a beautiful daughter that he ironically named after his sister Tamar, which given what we know about Absalom’s lust for power and success, could have very well been done as some sort of public declaration of his love for his sister, despite the fact he knowingly left her destitute in his own house!

 So my point is, if you add all that up, there is no way Absalom, a man who truly saw himself to be the next King of Israel, was going to continue to sit there and allow himself to be completely ignored by a man that he likely saw as less important than himself and likely thought was already loyal to him. Joab is the one who got David to bring him back to Jerusalem.  Therefore, it’s not a reach to assume that Absalom likely thought Joab did it because of his admiration for him rather than his love for David.  So, to no surprise then, he’s now furious that Joab won’t even respond to his request to talk.  So, here’s what Absalom did about it.

 30 Then he said to his servants, "See, Joab's field is next to mine, and he has barley there; go and set it on fire." So Absalom's servants set the field on fire. 31 Then Joab arose and went to Absalom at his house and said to him, "Why have your servants set my field on fire?" 32 Absalom answered Joab, "Behold, I sent word to you, 'Come here, that I may send you to the king, to ask, "Why have I come from Geshur? It would be better for me to be there still." Now, therefore, let me go into the presence of the king, and if there is guilt in me, let him put me to death.'"

Note:  Absalom shows no integrity or concern for Israel (he could have burned all kinds of people's crops and created a total disaster for Jerusalem!), but nonetheless it works.  Joab, a man who wasn’t afraid of conflict, immediately showed up wanting to know why in the world they had set his field on fire.  Shockingly, however, when he does, Absalom appears to demonstrate true humility in his willingness to make his case before his father and accept whatever judgment his father issues as just.

 33 Then Joab went to the king and told him, and he summoned Absalom. So he came to the king and bowed himself on his face to the ground before the king, and the king kissed Absalom.

 Now, for those of you who think Absalom’s motives were pure and that all he ever wanted was to be restored to his father, well, the truth will come out in the next chapter. Absalom is a wicked and cunning man who is obsessed with becoming the next king of Israel.  It will become really clear next Sunday when we study 2 Samuel 15 that Absalom had nothing but evil intentions in his effort of reconciliation, which means it really wasn’t an effort to be reconciled at all!

But nonetheless, from David’s perspective, he loves Absalom and he’s been brokenhearted over the separation between them, even though he oddly refused to make any effort to reconcile it. This lack of effort will no doubt fuel Absalom’s self-justification for what we are going to read next week.  Nonetheless, when David’s son showed up and threw himself on the floor at David’s feet, making no excuses for his actions, it seemed to David that he was fully owning them and longing to return as a submissive son.  As a result, David showed no hesitation to reconcile the relationship.  He wasn’t willing to lift a finger to try and offer it, but he also wasn’t willing to refuse it when Absalom finally seemingly did.

In kissing Absalom, David was giving a public blessing to people who wanted to associate with or do business with Absalom. David was publicly stating that there was nothing between them.  Absalom was no longer an outcast but had been fully restored.  Sadly, however, for Absalom this was just another ploy in his efforts to achieve wealth, power, and success at any cost.

But we aren’t going to go down that road today. Instead, we are going to put this story on pause and quickly talk about how the New Testament tells us reconciliation is supposed to work.

There are two clear New Testament steps to relational reconciliation.

Step #1 – Forgiveness.  Forgiveness isn’t restoration but rather the letting go of the right to be angry or offended and exchanging it for an objective willingness to be restored.

32 Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. (Ephesians 4:32)

 John explained the depths of Christ’s forgiveness a little deeper when he wrote,

10 In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. 11 Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. (1 John 4:10-11)

 The forgiveness we have with God in Christ is not simply an emotional heartfelt response by God. God’s wrath on our sin is a just judgment not only because of the level of our sin but most importantly because it’s the decreed standard of God and as such if God didn’t hold that standard, He wouldn’t be holy or trustworthy.  So, when God forgave us, He couldn’t just say I forgive you, He had to send His Son to pay our debt.  God’s forgiveness cost Him everything!  Christ, who had no guilt at all, took all our guilt on Himself and suffered our debt for us so that we could be justly forgiven!

Paul said as God in Christ forgave us, we ought to forgive others, and in 1 John 4:10-11 we are clearly presented with the weight of that forgiveness. The Father watched The Son bear the horror of His wrath to justly forgive us, who constantly set aside and overlook the significance of that forgiveness!  Christ even died to forgive those who will never seek to be restored to Him!!

The point being the first step of reconciliation is not for the offender to do anything but for the offended. There can be no reconciliation where there is no forgiveness.  Forgiveness is the effort of the offended to give an opportunity for the offender to do the next step, but without the first step, the second step is impossible.

Step #2 – Repentance.  A genuine confession of wrong that’s testified by a 180° turn of purpose and actions.

9 The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance. (2 Peter 3:9)

 The Greek word translated as “repent” in the Bible means “to change one’s mind or purpose.”²Thomas, R. L. (1998). In New American Standard Hebrew-Aramaic and Greek dictionaries : updated edition. Foundation Publications, Inc. However, if you actually change your mind or your purpose, that is, you stop serving your selfish desires and start loving, then your actions will testify of it.  James chapter two makes it clear that our actions are the testimony of our hearts.  It doesn’t matter how we claim to feel or want to act.  The only thing that matters is how we actually act!  All the “I’m sorry” a person can utter is only a proclamation of intent.  There is no real repentance where there is no actual change of purpose and actions.  This is why we read this in Acts,

38 And Peter said to them, "Repent and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins, and you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit. (Acts 2:38)

Now some of you immediately just said, “Hold on a second, I thought God forgives us first?”He does!  What Peter was talking about in Acts 2:38 was the full application of that forgiveness, that is, He’s already forgiven you through Christ, but you are not restored into a relationship with Him unless you repent!  The only way we can receive His forgiveness is to turn away from our rebellion against Him and instead begin to love and trust Him enough to follow and obey Him!  I don’t enter into the reality of the forgiveness He’s given me unless I turn and walk in the submissive relationship His forgiveness offers us.

This doesn’t mean that for me to be saved I have to get my life straight, but rather, if I have indeed repented and thus turned my heart truly towards walking in submission to Him, then my life will testify of it. I am saved entirely by His grace.  My repentance doesn’t earn his love, my repentance enters it!

And here’s the deal, unlike David with Absalom, God knows when we have actually repented and when we haven’t! Before there is ever an action of our feet, God knows the true intent of our heart.  He is not mocked!  If you have a true heart of repentance, He knows it, but if you don’t, He knows it as well!

However, for you and me to be truly restored to a person, we must SEE the evidence.We are not God, and we cannot judge the heart.  So, while we must forgive a person to ever truly see any of their actions as ones of repentance, we can’t truly be restored to a person if they are not themselves being restored to us.  I can’t be restored to somebody who hasn’t repented from their purpose and actions against me. I can’t be restored to a person who refuses to accept my forgiveness any more than I can be restored to a person who refuses to forgive me.

Challenge

Who in your life are you refusing to forgive?  Who in your life has forgiven you, but you are refusing to repent and be restored to them?

 There is no command to restore someone into a relationship with me, but there is a command to forgive them. This means I am open to restoration if they truly show repentance.

On the other hand, if I’m the one that who did something wrong to somebody, I’m the one who sinned against somebody; and they have forgiven me, then there is no way I can say I’m honoring God if I don’t accept their forgiveness and re-enter a relationship with them.  Now you would say, “Who does that?”  If somebody has truly forgiven you for doing something wrong to them, then why in the world would you not re-enter a relationship with them?  I agree it sounds crazy, but every time we choose to continue in our sin instead of repent, that’s exactly what we are doing!  Therefore, if we are so stubborn to believe the grace of God that was clearly poured out for us on Calvary and refuse to repent from our sinful rebellion and return to God, is it any wonder then that we sometimes struggle to believe the forgiveness of others as well.