The old saying, “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me,” was meant to teach children to shield themselves from the unholy, destructive words people may hurl at them.  There are over 8 billion people on the planet, so if somebody insists on speaking about me or to me in a way that’s unjust, unethical, or downright derogatory, then I should have nothing to do with them, move on to have a relationship with some of the other 8 billion people on the planet who don’t speak that way, and treat their speech for what it is—words unworthy of consideration. It’s why we read things like this in the Bible,

16 The vexation of a fool is known at once, but the prudent ignores an insult. (Proverbs 12:16)

By choosing to ignore their words, we render their efforts to exert power over us totally worthless; we refuse to allow them to dictate how we feel about ourselves, life, and others.  They become one who speaks to nobody.  The glory and gratification they sought to achieve with their words fail because we refuse to let them have the intended impact.

On the other hand, the Bible also makes it clear that words are the most powerful tool in the universe!  It’s good to know how to handle evil words directed towards you, but at the same time, it’s not good to think that words don’t have a real and serious impact, that they are not powerful!  For instance, God created the universe by speaking!

3 And God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light. (Genesis 1:3)

Over and over again, we see the creative work of God happening because He said it.

In the book of Romans, we see the power of words in salvation,

8 But what does it say? “The word is near you, in your mouth and in your heart” (that is, the word of faith that we proclaim); 9 because, if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. 10 For with the heart one believes and is justified, and with the mouth one confesses and is saved. 11 For the Scripture says, “Everyone who believes in him will not be put to shame.” 12 For there is no distinction between Jew and Greek; for the same Lord is Lord of all, bestowing his riches on all who call on him. 13 For “everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.” 14 How then will they call on him in whom they have not believed? And how are they to believe in him of whom they have never heard? And how are they to hear without someone preaching? 15 And how are they to preach unless they are sent? As it is written, “How beautiful are the feet of those who preach the good news!” (Romans 10:8-15)

Later in the New Testament, Jesus' brother reminds teachers to recognize the inherent power of words.  He writes,

4 Look at the ships also: though they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are guided by a very small rudder wherever the will of the pilot directs. 5 So also the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things. How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire! (James 3:4-5)

Words always steer and shape people.  They lead people in the right or wrong direction, but they always lead.  Words either build up or tear down, but they always do something.  Even the steady drip of idle and meaningless words has an effect, if nothing else, dulling people into an idle, meaningless view of themselves, the world, and others.

So, I can and should choose how I allow words to have power over me, but at the same time, it doesn’t change the fact that words have power.  Even if we refuse to let someone’s words influence our emotions or decisions, those words will still affect others, which in turn affects the context of how we experience our lives.  I may choose to ignore what is said about me, but that doesn’t mean others will, and, as such, whether I like it or not, the world I live in is necessarily shaped by the words said about me.

Therefore, given the massive world-shaping, life-changing power of words, it should be of no surprise that the Bible has a lot of very clear words of instruction on how we use or don’t use words, as well as how we address the condition of our heart that generates the words we say.   In Ephesians 4:29-32, Paul addresses both the words we say and the heart that generates them, and he does so by associating them with who we are as God’s people and how we are, in fact, made and secured to be God’s people.  Paul writes,

29 Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. 30 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. 32 Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. (Ephesians 4:29-32)

The first action of God that Paul points to is the work of the Holy Spirit.

Our words should match the work of the Holy Spirit in our lives, who builds and secures us as God’s people. (4:29-30)
The first thing I want you to notice is what Paul says not to let come out of your mouth.

Note:  29 Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. 30 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. (4:29-30)

“… no corrupting talk …”

S. Wuest notes, “The Greek order is, ‘every word that is corrupt, out of your mouth let it not proceed.’ … ‘Corrupt’ is sapros (σαπρος), ‘rotten, worn out, unfit for use, worthless, bad.’ Paul goes on; ‘Every word that is corrupt, out of your mouth let it not be proceeding.”¹Wuest, K. S. (1997). Wuest’s word studies from the Greek New Testament: for the English reader (Vol. 4, p. 115). Eerdmans.

J Utley wrote, “This term literally was used of something rotten or of crumbling stone work … It came to be used metaphorically of something ‘corrupt,’ ‘depraved,’ ‘vicious,’ ‘foul’ or ‘impure’.”²Utley, R. J. (1997). Paul Bound, the Gospel Unbound: Letters from Prison (Colossians, Ephesians and Philemon, then later, Philippians): Vol. Volume 8 (p. 120). Bible Lessons International.

So just as you wouldn’t build a house with rotting wood or crumbling stone, don’t say things that are themselves words that, when placed in other people’s lives, make their lives less stable, secure, and strong. Don’t say diseased words that, when imparted to another person, plant disease in them.  Don’t utter words that are essentially toothpicks dipped in a toilet, which are then given to others to clean their teeth!

“… do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, …”

For those new to the Bible, it says God is perfectly one being and, at the same time, three distinct persons who have existed eternally as the one eternal God. God is the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.  We are going to talk more about the work of the Holy Spirit in a second, but for now, I want you to see two important things.

First, the Bible teaches that the Holy Spirit is not an “it” but rather a “he.” The Holy Spirit is a “person” but not a human person; that is, the Holy Spirit is not an abstract, impersonal force but an eternal deity with emotion.  That leads us to the second important thing we need to know about the Holy Spirit.  Our words can cause the Holy Spirit to grieve.  To grieve is to feel pain about loss, especially about death.  When our words bring decay, they bring death.  When our words are themselves entities of corruption, sin, discord, and evil, they are the works of Satan and thus the works of death.  Whether or not they succeed in killing the soul of another person, when we as God’s children speak words that inherently bring death rather than life, it goes against everything the Holy Spirit is doing in our lives and in other people’s lives, and thus it “grieves” the Holy Spirit both in its effect and in the fact that it is we whom He loves that’s doing it!  The Holy Spirit feels a very real sense of grief, of the deep and massively painful feeling caused by the death of one you love, when He sees the very ones He is working to rescue from death deliver death to others.

Now, that’s about all he says about the kind of words we should NOT speak. The rest of verses 29 and 30 focus on the words we should be speaking.  To rightly understand Paul’s instructions concerning our speech in Ephesians 4:29-30, we need to recognize that everything he tells us we should say is exactly what the Holy Spirit Himself says and does!   As New Covenant believers, we are under the Law of the Spirit, which means we are supposed to live according to the leadership of the Spirit in our lives, who is holy and thus will only lead us to do and say what He Himself does and says, and never lead us to do and say what He Himself would never do and say.  So, let’s look at the passage again and dig in a little on the standard of the words and work of the Holy Spirit as the standard for our speech.

Note:  29 Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. 30 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. (4:29-30)

There are four specific works of the Holy Spirit mentioned in verses 29 and 30 that give us a clear standard of what our words should do:

1. Our words should build. - “good for building up,”
   Building almost always requires demolition, but only to remove the negative and replace it with the positive. The Holy Spirit doesn’t convict us of sin to leave us in its death, but to free us from it so He can build life in its place!  The Holy Spirit isn’t a demolition company that never builds, but a construction company that often has to first demolish things to build better things, but ALWAYS to build better things!22 In him you also are being built together into a dwelling place for God by the Spirit. (Ephesians 2:22)Our words should have the same effect. Even if they have to first do some demolition work, the clear purpose of our words must be to accomplish the strengthening and growth of a person’s faith and life.  God commands us to speak words that help make a person’s life and faith more prosperous.
2. Our words should be appropriate. - “as fits the occasion,”The word “fits” implies appropriateness and constructive usability in the moment. Imagine a nut that correctly fits a bolt.  If it's too tight, it won’t go on, and if it's too big, it won’t stay on and hold the bolt to what it's supposed to fasten together.Knowing when to say what is key to saying things that build because the right thing at the wrong time is the wrong thing. If you’ve ever put together Ikea furniture, you know exactly what I’m talking about.  Just because you put one of the 5,000 parts in the right place that came in the box of things you have to put together to build the piece of furniture you purchased, doesn’t mean it’s going to work.  With Ikea furniture, you have to put it together exactly in the order the pictures show you to put it together, or there is a good chance you will actually break what you’re trying to build before you get it built!The book of Proverbs is full of sayings that teach about the importance of knowing when to speak what, to whom, including when not to speak what to whom!Thankfully, the Holy Spirit always knows when to say what to whom, and He even does it on our behalf to the Father.26 Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. 27 And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. (Romans 8:26-27)
3. Our words should be a gift, not a burden. - “that it may give grace to those who hear.”“Grace” is charis (χαρις), the t. word for God’s grace in salvation. Here it refers to the spiritual blessings and benefits that will accrue to the hearers from the gracious words of the speaker.”³Wuest, K. S. (1997). Wuest’s word studies from the Greek New Testament: for the English reader (Vol. 4, p. 115). Eerdmans. “Our version “to the use of edifying”—transposes the words. That it may give grace to the hearers. The phrase χάριν διδόναι, to give grace, is one of frequent occurrence, and always means—to confer a favor—i. e. to give pleasure or profit. There is no necessity for departing from this sense here. The meaning is, ‘that it may benefit the hearers.”⁴Hodge, C. (1858). A commentary on the Epistle to the Ephesians (p. 273). Robert Carter and Brothers. For instance, “4 Now there are varieties of gifts, but the same Spirit;” (1 Corinthians 12:4). The Holy Spirit is the giver and manifester of gifts in and through our life, as well as in and of Himself a gift to us!Our words are meant to be gifts to people, not weapons against them. They are meant to be something they are glad to receive, not a burden. Our words are meant to empower people to live in God’s life, not hinder them from it.
4. Our words should protect. - “the Holy Spirit … by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.”13 In him you also, when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation, and believed in him, were sealed with the promised Holy Spirit, 14 who is the guarantee of our inheritance until we acquire possession of it, to the praise of his glory. (Ephesians 1:13-14)“We notice also in verse 30 the references to being sealed with the Spirit and to the day of redemption. The sealing (as Paul has already explained in 1:13) took place at the beginning of our Christian life; the Holy Spirit himself, indwelling us, is the seal with which God has stamped us as his own. The day of redemption, however, although we already have redemption in the sense of forgiveness (verse 1:7), looks on to the end when our bodies will be redeemed, for only then will our redemption or liberation be complete. So the ‘sealing’ and the ‘redemption’ refer respectively to the beginning and the end of the salvation process.”⁵Stott, J. R. W. (1979). God’s new society: the message of Ephesians (p. 189). InterVarsity Press. “‘by whom you were sealed’ This is an AORIST PASSIVE INDICATIVE. This sealing is done by the Spirit at salvation (cf. Eph. 1:13–14; Rev. 7:2–4). Sealing was a cultural sign of ownership, security, and genuineness. Believers belong to Christ!”⁶Utley, R. J. (1997). Paul Bound, the Gospel Unbound: Letters from Prison (Colossians, Ephesians and Philemon, then later, Philippians): Vol. Volume 8 (p. 121). Bible Lessons International. “‘for the day of redemption’ This refers to the Second Coming, Resurrection Day, or Judgment Day, depending on one’s relationship to Christ.”⁷Utley, R. J. (1997). Paul Bound, the Gospel Unbound: Letters from Prison (Colossians, Ephesians and Philemon, then later, Philippians): Vol. Volume 8 (p. 121). Bible Lessons International. “His seal of a believer remains until the day of redemption, the time that a believer receives his new body (cf. 1:14; Phil. 3:20–21).”⁸Hoehner, H. W. (1985). Ephesians. In J. F. Walvoord & R. B. Zuck (Eds.), The Bible Knowledge Commentary: An Exposition of the Scriptures (Vol. 2, p. 637). Victor Books. In the same way, the Holy Spirit seals us as God’s children until the day Christ returns and our salvation is completed; in the same way that the Holy Spirit in us assures us that we are indeed God’s fully favored children (Romans 8:16) and that all He promised is indeed true and will happen; our speech should have the same impact on others! Our speech should sincerely protect people by offering wisdom, guarding their hearts and minds, and assuring them that they are seen and loved!

The second action of God that Paul points to is the work of the Father in Christ.

Our words should come from hearts shaped by the work of Christ that forgives and restores. (4:31-32)

Note:  31 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. 32 Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. 

Before we get into the particulars in this passage, we need to first understand what Paul says last, because it is the standard by which everything else is defined. Paul says that we are to forgive one another, “as God in Christ forgave you.”

The obvious first application of this is in how we forgive (more on that in a minute), but it’s also the context of how we are to understand every instruction Paul gave us, what to put out of our heart and, as such, out of our mouth, as well as what to put in it! The standard of what shouldn’t be in our heart is what doesn’t measure up to what God did in Christ to forgive us, and the standard of what should be is what God did in Christ to forgive us.  That standard is a love so deep and so holy that drowning in it brings the dead back to life!

John wrote,
10 In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. 11 Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. (1 John 4:10-11)

Christ’s actions were not to come and bring the just and righteous condemnation and wrath of God on us for our sin that we actually fully deserved. He instead came to suffer the condemnation and wrath of God on our sin for us, and in so doing, He fully satisfied the just and righteous penalty we owed.  He is the propitiation of our sins, and as such, there is no wrath of God left for our sin!  God poured it all out on Jesus, who, having no sin Himself, paid the full consequence of our sin.

Christ, who had every right to be angry with us, loved us so much that He forgave us not simply with a statement of intention but from an actual heart of love that was willing to suffer eternal punishment on our behalf. He did this BEFORE we repented, and He did it knowing that, even in our repentance, we would faithlessly disobey Him over and over again! This is how God loves us and thus how Christ commands us to love others.  If we understand this truth, this truth of how Christ loved us, then we have no reason not to love others the same way.

In the same way Paul writes,
31 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.

“Believers are to get rid of the six vices of bitterness, rage (thymos, “outbursts of anger”), anger (orgē, “settled feeling of anger”), brawling (kraugē, “shouting or clamor”), slander (blasphēmia), and malice (kakia, “ill will, wickedness”). Several of these vices are also listed in Colossians 3:8.”⁹Hoehner, H. W. (1985). Ephesians. In J. F. Walvoord & R. B. Zuck (Eds.), The Bible Knowledge Commentary: An Exposition of the Scriptures (Vol. 2, p. 637). Victor Books.

““all bitterness” This refers to a settled state of animosity with no chance of reconciliation. “wrath” This (thumos) refers to a fast burning anger or rage (cf. 2 Cor. 12:20; Gal. 5:20; Col. 3:8). “anger” This (orgē) refers to a slow burning or settled resentment (cf. 2 Cor. 12:20; Gal. 5:20; Col. 3:8). “clamor” This refers to an outcry (cf. Matt. 25:6; Acts 23:9). In this context it might refer to loud threats or charges of wrong doing by the false teachers or their followers. “slander … with all malice” This may also reflect the techniques of the false teachers. This list shows the problems caused by (1) the false teachers or (2) the characteristics that cause disunity. These same sins are also listed in Col. 3:8. “put away.” This is an AORIST PASSIVE IMPERATIVE. Believers must allow the Spirit to remove these characteristics of the old, fallen, Adamic nature once and for all. As salvation involves a decisive personal choice, so does the Christian life.”¹⁰Utley, R. J. (1997). Paul Bound, the Gospel Unbound: Letters from Prison (Colossians, Ephesians and Philemon, then later, Philippians): Vol. Volume 8 (pp. 121–122). Bible Lessons International.

““Bitterness” is pikria (πικρια), “resentfulness, harshness, virulence,” “All” is pasa (πασα), “all manner of.” “Wrath” here is thumos (θυμος), “a violent outbreak of anger, anger forthwith boiling up and soon subsiding again.” “Anger” is orgē (ὀργη), the word used in 4:26 of legitimate anger, namely, righteous indignation. But here, Vincent says: “What is commanded in verse 26 is here forbidden, because viewed simply on the side of human passion.” “Clamor” is kraugē (κραυγη), “the outcry of passion, the outward manifestation of anger in vociferation or brawling.” “Evil speaking” is blasphēmia (βλασφημια), slanderous and injurious speech.” “Put away” is airō (αἰρω), “to bear away what has been raised, to carry off, to take away.”¹¹Wuest, K. S. (1997). Wuest’s word studies from the Greek New Testament: for the English reader (Vol. 4, p. 117). Eerdmans.

“Here is a whole series of six unpleasant attitudes and actions which are to be put away from us entirely. Bitterness (pikria) is a sour spirit and sour speech. We sometimes talk about a ‘sour puss’, and I guess there are sour tomcats too. Little is sadder in elderly people than a negative and cynical outlook on life. Quoting Aristotle, Armitage Robinson defines it as ‘an embittered and resentful spirit which refuses to be reconciled’. Wrath (thymos) and anger (orgē) are obviously similar, the former denoting a passionate rage and the latter a more settled and sullen hostility. Clamour (kraugē) describes people who get excited, raise their voices in a quarrel, and start shouting, even screaming, at each other, while slander (blasphēmia) is speaking evil of others, especially behind their backs, and so defaming and even destroying their reputation. The sixth word is malice (kakia), or ill will, wishing and probably plotting evil against people. Alternatively, it may be inclusive of the five preceding vices, namely ‘silently harboured grudge, indignant outburst, seething rage, public quarrel and slanderous taunt.’ There is no place for any of these horrid things in the Christian community; they have to be totally rejected.”¹²Stott, J. R. W. (1979). God’s new society: the message of Ephesians (p. 190). InterVarsity Press.

32 Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

The positive commands are three: (1) be kind (chrēstoi, lit., “what is suitable or fitting to a need”); (2) be compassionate (eusplanchnoi; used elsewhere in the NT only in 1 Peter 3:8; cf. splanchnoi, “inner emotions of affection,” in 2 Cor. 6:12; 7:15; Phil. 1:8; 2:1; Col. 3:12; Phile. 7, 12, 20; 1 John 3:17); (3) be forgiving (lit., “being gracious,” charizomenoi, the participle from the verb charizomai, “to give freely” or “to give graciously as a favor”). The reason for these positive commands is that in Christ God is kind (Eph. 2:7), compassionate (Mark 1:41), and gracious (Rom. 8:32) to believers.”¹³Hoehner, H. W. (1985). Ephesians. In J. F. Walvoord & R. B. Zuck (Eds.), The Bible Knowledge Commentary: An Exposition of the Scriptures (Vol. 2, p. 637). Victor Books.

““Be” is ginomai (γινομαι) “to become.” Expositors says: “The idea is that they had to abandon one mental condition and make their way, beginning there and then, into its opposite.” “Kind” is chrēstos (χρηστος), “benevolent, gracious, kind,” opposed to “harsh, hard, bitter, sharp.” “Tenderhearted” is eusplagchnos (εὐσπλαγχνος), “compassionate, tenderhearted.” “Forgiving” is not aphiēmi (ἀφιημι), the word usually used when God forgives our sins, which word means “to put away,” God forgiving our sins in the sense that He in the Person of His Son bore them on the Cross, paying the penalty, satisfying the just demands of His law, but charizomai (χαριζομαι), “to do a favor to, do something agreeable or pleasant to one, to show one’s self gracious, benevolent, to forgive in the sense of treating the offending party graciously.” The same word is used of God here forgiving us in Christ. The translation should not be “for Christ’s sake,” but “in Christ.” The Greek is en Christōi (ἐν Χριστωι), “in Christ.” It is “the God who forgives, being the God who manifests Himself and acts in the suffering, reconciling Christ” (Expositors). It is the God who forgives in the sphere of Christ in that His forgiveness is made possible from the point of the law, through the atonement. “Even as” is kathōs (καθως), “according as, just as, in the degree that, seeing that”; Alford says, “argument from His example whom we ought to resemble—also from mingled motives of justice and gratitude.”¹⁴Wuest, K. S. (1997). Wuest’s word studies from the Greek New Testament: for the English reader (Vol. 4, pp. 117–118). Eerdmans.

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Challenge:
What does the attitude of your heart and the speech that comes from it say about the level of understanding and belief that the Gospel of Jesus Christ is for you?

The attitude of your heart and the speech that comes from it will always be a product of your level of understanding and belief that the Gospel of Jesus Christ is for you!

So, yes, you can train your speech, and that will have an emotional impact on your life.  But it can’t change your heart; only Jesus can do that.  If you simply practice good speech, then you are saying your heart is one that just wants the approval that comes to those who learn to speak wisely and constructively with others.  That will never last, and even if it does, what will have been accomplished?  You hid the misery of your heart with religious discipline instead of going to God and being set free from the misery within you.

So, I’m not saying to give yourself an excuse to continue speaking sinfully; I’m saying run to Jesus and cry out to truly understand who he is and what He has done for you on the cross.  Run to Jesus and ask Him to soften your heart so you can understand and truly believe in what He is doing for you right now and will do for you for all eternity.  Let the Gospel change who you see yourself to be and who you see others to be to match the heart of God who sent His perfect only forever Son to die for YOU and everybody else.  Seek God to be transformed by Him and watch how the desire of your heart begins to align with the incredible knowledge of God’s glorious love for you!

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DISCUSSION GUIDE

What is something negative that was said to you that has stuck with you?

In Ephesians 4:29-32, Paul addresses the subject of our speech by drawing our attention to two massively important works of God.

Our words should match the work of the Holy Spirit in our lives, who builds and secures us as God’s people. (4:29-30)

1. How are our words related to our salvation?
2. Can you share how you have tried to recreate your speech as you’ve learned to walk in the Spirit?
3. How have you seen the right words at the wrong time make a negative mark?
4. What is something positive that was said to you that has stuck with you?
5. Someone use your words to share the Gospel in under a minute.
6. Of the 6 words in the “Put Away” list of Eph 4:31, what is one that you’ve worked to overcome, and how did you do it?
7. Someone share of your testimony of forgiveness in under a minute.

Other Scriptures: Genesis 1:3, Proverbs 12:16, Romans 8:26-27; 10:8-15, 1 Corinthians 12:4, Ephesians 1:13-14; 2:22, James 3:4-5, 1 John 4:10-11.